Multi-center study reveals PZI etiology underlying Zombie attacks
Friday, May 27, 2011 at 9:18pm
In the largest multi-center study to-date, researchers at twenty-six institutions across the United States, studied 236 partially digested cerebral human cortices for possible clues underlying the many anecdotal reports suggesting zombie preference for higher intelligence humans during mass zombie attacks. While epidemiological evidence to-date has suggested a positive correlation between IQ and preferential zombie ingestion (PZI), the etiology of PZI has remained uncertain.
According to the researchers, they have found striking evidence of a strong positive correlation between PZI and Human IQ. In the simplest terms, this means that the smarter you are, the more likely you are to be a Zombie victim during a mass attack. Although inconclusive, these researchers results also strongly suggest that Zombie isolated attacks on individuals are also influenced by this positive correlation.
Each partially digested human cortex was subjected to exhaustive studies, including electrophoresis and electron microscopy. The results, the researchers claim, are unequivocal. Higher intelligence human brains contain an heretofore unknown glucose compound – Zombyphil. When human brains high in Zombyphil is consumed by Zombies, the entire brain is eaten (low Zombyphil brains are consumed only 84% in mass). This research points to the conclusion that smart brains are indeed tastier (at least to Zombies) then stupid brains.
Furthermore, a pheromone was identified within higher intelligence human cortices that powerfully attracts Zombies from distances as great as 30 meters. This substance alone may be responsible for the social epiphenomenon of mass zombie attacks. An anti-pheromone neutralizing agent is being investigated at the time of writing of this report.
Generalizing these results, as an example, researchers predict that Republicans will be less likely to be attacked, mathematicians, more likely to be attacked, and so on. It may also be safe to also conclude that those who give credence to this fictional report are, in effect, entirely “immune” from Zombie attacks.
International Journal of Zombie Studies, 32:1-2, 2011, Ekhert, L. et al