Last night, it wasn’t what I saw, heard or directly felt, but I immersed in a vivid awareness of white light that beside me, and not beside me, a part of me, and not a part of me, making the idea of me at once meaningless, at once part of the existence of all.
The white light wasn’t white, as there is no white, it that is/was/will not be an it, is/was/will be a boundless energy without substance.
And I knew that everything comes from, has always come from and will always come from whatever this manifestation appeared to be, and now appears to me as a memory. This is no this, as it is not an is, and not a this, but words make me say this not this was/is/will be Ayin/Yesh all at the same time as there is no time.
I knew why in Exodus it says “There shall no man see me, and live,” as I knew that the force was G-d and if I was part of the force I would no longer be me, a kind of death, and that my identity would merge with the source of all things, that my identity is already merged with the source of all things, despite the apparency of separateness.
I decided to stay beside the force and not get swept into it, become lost and immersed and one with and in it that is not an it, as I am content, for now, being ‘me,’ but not afraid, indeed, comforted that one day my awareness will know that I have always been lost in it that is not an it and that always means nothing as time means nothing.
I was awake. I wasn’t sleeping. I wasn’t dreaming.
After this that is/was not a this, I drifted to sleep and in the morning forgot and went to work worried as usual about things in this world and the ‘me’ that clothes me, for the time being.
Child walked to school, cats fed, dog walked, kiss wife goodbye.
Now the wind with cold gusts, that are not gusts and are not cold, against our windows that are not windows, during these wondrous Days of Awe.