Modern Wisdom: The Use of a Cat to Lower Blood Pressure

The man had been taking a lot of medicines for high blood pressure for years, but the man still had very high blood pressure.    The man’s doctor told him that if the man’s blood pressure stayed this high he would have a heart attack or stroke and die a young man.

One day, the man read in the newspaper that cats could lower blood pressure.

So the man decided to buy himself a cat to lower his blood pressure and went right to a pet store.   The man looked at each and every cat in the store for a very, very long time and spoke at great length with the pet store owner to make sure it was exactly and perfectly just the right cat for him.    The man also bought just the right kind of cat food, the finest organic kitty litter and the most expensive toys in the store for the cat to play with.

So the man bought the best and most expensive and beautiful cat he could find, bought the most expensive and fancy pet carrier for the cat he could find, bought certified organic kitty letter and bought the most expensive toys for the cat he could find, put the cat in the carrier and started to leave the store.

Before leaving, the man looked back and asked the pet store owner, are you absolutely certain that this the best cat that money can buy?   And are you absolutely sure that the kitty litter and toys and cat food are the best that money can buy?

The cat store owner smiled from ear to ear and said, “Yes sir, you have purchased the very best cat and cat supplies that can be bought anywhere in the world!”

Feeling satisfied he had bought the best cat money could buy, the man put the cat in his car and drove home feeling confident his purchase of this expensive cat would most certainly lower his blood pressure.   On the way home, he didn’t know, or care much about what he should name the cat, so he called him, “Cat.”

The man opened the door to his home, placed the cat carrier on the floor, and opened the carrier door.   Hesitatingly, Cat put his paw outside the carrier, looked around the man’s home and started walking around.

The man sat on his couch, laid back, put his feet up and turned on the television.    The man figured he would check in one hour to see if Cat would have an effect on his high blood pressure.   Cat, meanwhile, explored the man’s home with great curiosity.   Soon, wandering over to the man, Cat looked up at him and purring, began rubbing his head and neck against the man’s leg.

The man shooed Cat away from his leg throwing an expensive toy at Cat to play with.   “Go away, don’t bother me, I want to see if my blood pressure is lower now that I bought you!”

Cat’s affection was undeterred.   Again, Cat, purring all the while, began rubbing his head and neck against the man’s leg.

The man, this time, abruptly swiped Cat away, so Cat, startled, jumped and ran away from him across the room to the safety of the cat carrier where Cat remained, guardedly staring at the man watching television on the couch.

The man, finding a moment’s solace from Cat’s affection, took out his digital blood pressure cuff, placed it on his arm and pressed ‘on.’    The reading on the blood pressure machine showed the man an even higher blood pressure reading than the man had ever had before.

The man figured it might take overnight for the cat to start having the effect of lowering his blood pressure.    So he put Cat in the carrier, placed Cat and carrier in the room next to his bedroom, rolled down his shades, pulled up the blanket and began to fall off to sleep.

Cat, now trapped in the expensive cat carrier in the next room in the darkness, started meowing.   Cat’s meow’s were at first inaudible from the man’s bedroom and then grew louder and louder.   Cat finally began emitting an unearthly howling sound that pierced the walls between Cat’s room and the man’s bedroom.

Now enraged, the man jumped out of bed, swung open his door, turned and violently slammed the door in Cat’s room, terrifying Cat who ran to the back of the carrier, hissing and howling at the man.

The man was now frustrated, exhausted and sleep deprived.   Then, he had the thought that perhaps the cat’s effects on lowering blood pressure would not go through the wall separating the cat in his room, and the man in his bedroom.

So the man closed the carrier door and carried the cat, hissing and howling as he carried him, into the man’s room where the man left the cat in his carrier while the man tiredly crawled into bed, pulled the covers over his head and fell asleep.

Upon awakening, the man, exhausted, went right over to the cat carrier, opened the door, and Cat ran out to hide underneath the man’s bed.    Cat had urinated all over the cat carrier and just as soon as the man opened the cat carrier, the strong smell of ammonia overpowered the man.

Now, the man was enraged as well as exhausted.   The man figured, nonetheless, that after at least the twelve hours the cat had been in the house, the cat would have at least some, perhaps modest effect, on his blood pressure.

So the man took out his blood pressure machine, pressed the ‘on’ button, and watched the numbers on the blood pressure machine go higher and higher faster than he had ever seen before.   Finally, the numbers stopped at a record high blood pressure, at a number the doctor had once told him that if he ever had a blood pressure that high he should go to the emergency room.

This bit of frightening information was too much for the man.   He decided that the expensive cat he had bought was defective.   This cat that would never lower his blood pressure.   This cat would only give the man grief.

The man ran over to the cat, threw the cat into the smelly cat carrier, picked up the carrier, the kitty litter, the cat food and the expensive toys, drove to the cat store and waited outside until the store opened, whereupon he demanded the pet store owner give him a full refund for the defective cat he had been sold.

When the cat store owner saw the by now exhausted and enraged man, he promptly accepted the return of the by now terribly smelly cat, and refunded the man’s money, in cash, hoping the man would promptly leave the store and never return.

To the pet store owner’s great relief, the man rushed out of the pet store, jumped into his car murmuring under his breath, ‘that Goddam cat!,’ slammed down the accelerator and sped off, never to return to purchase another expensive cat again.

The End.

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